The Confession
by HolyHogMonkey
Summary: One-Shot ShizNat: Shizuru confesses to Natsuki the events that unfolded the night she nursed Natsuki back to health at the secluded cottage. Rated M for obviously mature themes.


_**Disclaimer: I don't own Mai-HiME. Just elaborating on what I'd assume happened when Shizuru basically molested Natsuki in her sleep. **_

_**I promise I'll start writing other characters soon, but this is from Shizuru's PoV, obviously focusing on Shiz/Nat. **_

That night I nursed Natsuki back to health haunted my memories every time I lay my head down to sleep. Every moment I spent looking into her gorgeous green eyes, my heart was saturated in guilt and regret. I had done terrible things during the Carnival – every one of us had, for sure – but I had committed crimes beyond the imagination. I murdered – and I gloried in bloodshed. I laughed as I almost tore Yuuki's life away – the only reason I'd stopped was because my precious Natsuki had willed me to do so. I had become her puppet – every move I made was for her. I justified murder because I thought it would please her – and it only horrified her. Does she still hold it against me?

I committed the worst crime of all. I took advantage of my Natsuki. Before I lost my mind to murder, I lost control of my desire. She slept, and I stole a kiss. It wasn't enough. I needed to have more. I couldn't hold myself back. The love I felt for her – the love I still feel – it was too much to bear. I needed to hold her in my arms. I needed to smell her scent. I needed to touch her. And I did it all while she slept.

I am a monster.

"Shizuru."

I looked up to find my Natsuki padding towards me in her blue slippers and evening kimono. She'd agreed to spend the night at my house while her apartment was to be fumigated for pests. Naturally, I was pleased to make the offer – but I resigned to spend the night on my own couch. Even now the guilt held me back from so much as embracing her.

She had kissed me. Just before she commanded that final blow from her CHILD, she took me by the shoulders, she leaned in, and she kissed me. She told me she loved me. As a friend.

"Are you sure you want to sleep on the couch, tonight?"

I gave her my most hospitable of smiles. "Of course, Natsuki."

"Mm. I just thought, it's okay if you want to join me. Your bed is big enough for the both of us."

A well opened in the bottom of my gut. My face remained unchanged but inside I was falling apart. Had I heard her right? "That is unnecessary, Natsuki. I am fine here on the couch tonight."

Natsuki nodded. I could see her hesitantly start to turn away from me. Her fists gently fidgeted. What was she waiting for? I couldn't keep the surprise from breaking through my perfect mask when she turned and sat next to me on the couch. Her body was stiff – she was nervous about something.

"Shizuru, there is something I've been wanting to talk to you about."

My heart rate quickened and that well in my gut started to churn. I had a feeling I knew exactly what it was she wanted to discuss. Was I ready to confess my crimes? "Go on," I urged her. Whether I was ready or not, it would be cruel of me to turn her away.

"That time, during the Carnival." She paused. She was forming her question. I could almost feel her heart beat racing as quickly as mine. She trusted me, I knew she did. She cared for me as well. But she deserved to know the truth, and I was prepared to see her turn her back and leave me. I was prepared for her to scream and hit me. I was prepared for her to hate me. Wasn't I?

"Yukino – she saw something." Again, she paused. Maybe she wasn't ready for this, either, but it had clearly been digging away at her consciousness. Maybe this was the reason she said she'd found it so hard to sleep lately. Maybe my crime against her was what tore her apart every night.

The rest of her words came out in a rambling mess. "I know it was wrong for Yukino to spy on us, but given the circumstances I can't say I blame her – we all did bad things then. I mean, none of us meant to, we all thought we were doing what we had to do to survive – to protect our loved ones. But," she looked up at me, her eyes pleading and hurt. "Shizuru, you did something, didn't you?"

I looked away. Were those tears fighting to escape my eyes? I tried to speak but a lump had formed in my throat. I gave a low cough into my fist and closed my eyes. Yes, I had done something to her. I betrayed her trust. I took advantage of her. I sinned against her. I hated every part of my being for it. I loved this girl more than anything I've ever known, and I hurt her.

I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. I looked over to see those green eyes gazing into mine, pools filled with such a mix of emotions I couldn't even begin to list them. Yes, she was hurt. Yes, she was afraid, but she still loved me. Somehow, she still cared for me. Those damned tears broke the surface and I shuddered.

"I'm sorry, Natsuki!" I pleaded, hot tears streaming down my face. It was then that I noticed a tear falling down her own cheek. She withdrew her hand. I buried my face in my hands. I couldn't look at her.

I sobbed until I felt her arms winding their way around my waist. She was drawing me into an embrace. A hand caressed my back as her forehead nuzzled against my wet cheek. How could she possibly forgive me?

"Shizuru," she whispered, her voice faltering. "I need you to tell me everything."

My heart pounded in my chest like it wanted to escape. I wanted to escape. I'd tried so hard to forget what I'd done that night – but she needed to know. She needed to know so that she could move on. Even if she hated me for it, I had to tell her.

* * *

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I stepped out onto the verandah that surrounded the building. I had our dinner of miso soup and hand rolls ready, all I needed was my guest of honour. The evening was growing cold as the sunset cast a golden hue about the landscape. It was such a romantic scene, and there she sat to finish it off. Not a single masterpiece painted by the hands of the greatest painter could recreate such natural beauty.

"Natsuki, you should come inside. It's getting cold," I called. She didn't stir. It was then that I noticed the girl had fallen asleep.

She looked so innocent, I couldn't resist the blush from creeping up on my cheeks. It wasn't often I took off that mask my social status had forced onto my face, but here in this secluded space, who was there to hide the truth from? We were alone – me standing next to Natsuki, and she herself fast asleep.

I couldn't help myself. I knelt down next to her. Her breathing was steady. She looked so innocent, so adorable. My heart pounded, that feeling I'd become so accustomed to since I first saw her in that garden by the school, how it filled my chest. Her neck lay open to me, her head leaning against the column of the verandah. Her hands lay clasped in her lap. This girl, who to the world seemed so cold, so dangerous, appeared to me in that moment altogether beautiful and innocent. Soft.

I leaned in closer and reached out my hand. I stopped, just for a moment, asking myself what I was about to do – I didn't even quite know. My fingers reached her chin and I guided her sleeping head to face me. My heart pounded as I brought my lips to hers. Though she was asleep, I could feel a shock of electricity shooting through my body. Those lips, slightly parted in her sleep, felt so delicate, so sweet against my own. I wanted to die right there. Nothing else in my life could ever match this happiness I felt. She stirred, ever so slightly and immediately I pulled away. As I swept myself away I looked back to see she hadn't woken. My heart was pounding – but this time with terror. What had I just done? I spun around and returned to the house.

I stored our dinner in the refrigerator and sat with a pot of tea by the fireplace. I couldn't bare to look at her again. I knew I should go outside and wake her before her illness became worse, but I felt guilty. What if she knew? What if she turned away from me with disgust?

As the clock struck ten I heard the floorboards creak as she padded into the room. The only light came in from the moon through the open door and the dying fire along the wall.

"I have your bed set up," I informed her.

She gave a sound of acknowledgement. I could sense her standing not far behind me. "Thank you, Shizuru."

I smiled, guiltily, without turning to look at her. I said nothing in response. I heard her slowly step through the room and find her way to the bed by the paper screen door. The sound of the bedding rustling, being filled with her body, came to my ears. It was then I thought I should check up on her fever. I stood and after fetching a warm towel, I knelt by her side and placed it on her forehead. She looked up at me with those big, green eyes of hers and thanked me again.

I sat on the verandah for a couple of hours. I thought about how I had kissed her. My hands covered my mouth the whole time. The full moon shone down upon me, and seemed to make my mind think strange things. Her sweet lips on my own – I needed to feel it again. I could feel my heart racing in my chest – that love I've felt for her for so long burned from my chest to my thighs. What was I thinking? I couldn't possibly let my thoughts carry me away to such a terrifying place. But I wanted her. I wanted to feel her skin against my own. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to feel with her the way I'd made myself feel so many times when I've thought about her at night. I longed for her.

I rose, but I hung back. I wavered. I couldn't do such a thing. My feet stepped forward on their own will as I slid the door open. There she lay wrapped up in the covers before me. I slid the door, leaving it open just a bit to bring cool air through the house in case she noticed my body heat next to her. A few embers still glowed in the fireplace, casting a glow through the room. I slid my kimono off my shoulders and stood nude before her. Was I really about to do this? I glanced down upon my own body. This was a sight that would horrify Natsuki if she had just opened her eyes right then and there. All I wanted to do was to lay next to her. I wouldn't touch her, I promised myself. I promised her. I knelt down and pulled the covers back, slid in next to her, pulled the covers over my shoulders. There she lay, her sweet, slumbering face only inches from mine. I slid my head closer – what was I doing? I parted my lips and touched them against hers. Fire shot through my body, stronger than the first time I stole a kiss from her. My thighs burned. I needed to regain control. Where was my composure? Where was my damned mask? All these years it had been nearly impossible to keep it on when Natsuki was around. How many times had I fought to keep myself from revealing the truth? How many times had I nearly lost my sanity? I'd reached my limit. I could take it no longer. Even if I woke the girl, I had to express my love. I had to feel Natsuki's body against my own. I inched closer and wrapped an arm under hers, over her waist. To my surprise, the girl responded in her sleep and nestled into me. She murmured. I kissed her again and she responded drowsily.

"Shzru," she mumbled.

Was it my name she'd uttered? When it happened it sounded like it, but as I repeated her voice in my mind over and over, I couldn't be completely sure what word it was she'd made, if it was a word at all.

I nuzzled my head up to her and closed my eyes. It wasn't until I heard birds waking before the break of dawn that I thought to rise and get my kimono back on before my weakness had been discovered. As I slid the door open and started to step outside, I heard her voice and turned to face her.

"Shizuru, _daisuki_."

I smiled, touched by her choice of words. She'd expressed a deep love for me, deeper than simply admiring my existence. But the words she used were different than the words I used to expressed my love for her in my mind. I wanted to say to her in response, _aishiteru_. Instead I turned and slid the door closed. 'My love and your love are different,' I thought.

We spent that day relaxing. I couldn't look her in the eye. I'd taken something from her, something that would be against her will had she known. She hadn't even been awake. I may as well say I raped her. I didn't touch her – not even her breasts, though I desperately wanted to. While I may not have molested her, I did desire it. I was tempted by the thought. How could I wish to do such harm to another woman? It was hard enough to have to love someone of the same sex, but to wish to hurt her the way only men would – it disgusted me! I felt dirty, vile, unworthy to look her in the eye.

It wasn't until that evening that I really started to hate myself. That damned Suzushiro and her venomous pet, Kikukawa-san showed up. They'd spied on me the whole time. They'd seen everything. I was so filled with grief and shame and horror when I realized that Natsuki had overheard the conversation. The way she looked at me, with such terror and anger. She covered her body like I had betrayed her – and it was true. I deserved her hatred. I pleaded with her with my eyes; I reached out in a desperate attempt to console her – instead she screamed and backed away. She resembled an abused puppy, shaking with dread.

Haruka stepped up to me and slapped me, and accused Natsuki of doing vile, disgusting things. That was when I lost it. Those crimes were committed by me – they were my sins, not Natsuki's. Even though she would not return my love, I would go to hell and back to defend her honour. I took Haruka's cheap challenge, called upon my element and laughed at her pathetic defiance against me. When Yukino stepped forward to defend Haruka, I happily accepted the challenge. There was no losing against that mouse. My CHILD, Kiyohime, was born of such vile love and obsession – nothing could stop her, not even Tokiha-san's Kagutsuchi had she dared to threaten my Natsuki. Yukino was defeated without having to break a sweat, and I got to watch that damned Haruka be obliterated.

It wasn't until I saw the pained look of betrayal and confusion on my precious Natsuki's eyes that I felt a twinge of regret. But it wasn't enough to stop me. I reassured her that she would never have to worry – I would destroy any threat against her, even if I was bound to suffer this unrequited love for the rest of my existence. I loved Natsuki more than anything, and I would die for her – I would kill for her. I sought that bitch Yuuki and made to kill her too, but Natsuki willed me not to. Reluctantly, I obeyed, and I set out to destroy Natsuki's greatest enemy – the First District. It wasn't as easy as I'd made it out to be – but I enjoyed every second of it. I was almost killed. I wouldn't let myself die until I sought revenge for Natsuki.

I had lost myself. I can't explain any of it now – the person who committed those crimes of murder was not me. My mind was gone. I won't make up excuses – to this day my heart pours out with regret. I know all of the people killed have been given a second chance at life – as was I. But I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself.

When it came to my battle against Natsuki, all I wanted was to end it. I knew that if she died, I would die as well. Little did I know the opposite rang as true as the golden bell I trapped her under. I thought she hated me with enough passion to bestow her CHILD with more power than my Kiyohime. But it was love. With that immense passion, Natsuki loved me. When I reeled her into that embrace, and she took hold of my shoulders, and brought me in to kiss me, my mind suddenly became so clear. My heart welled with grief and guilt and regret. I broke into tears and I wanted to die. It was then that Natsuki told me she loved me, even after everything I had done to her. She had forgiven me. And it was then that she called upon Duran to make that fatal blow. She held me in her arms, protecting me, as the pain took over my mind and the world disappeared. I died in the arms of the person who loved me.

Natsuki was such a precious person. She seemed so cold and uncaring in the beginning. In the end, it was her who only wanted everyone to survive. She finally picked me as her precious person but she refused to fight, she refused to kill. Just like Tokiha Mai. And Natsuki was the only one of us who hadn't killed for the sake of winning. She killed, knowing she was about to die. She sacrificed her own life, and mine, knowing it was the only way Mai could end that wretched game.

I was the monster.

I closed the tale with those words. "I am a monster."

Tears were streaming from my eyes like a river of remorse. Natsuki sat a distance away from me. Throughout the story she'd gone from reassuringly holding me, to backing away in fear, and back again. Now she sat gazing into my eyes with an expression I simply couldn't read. She seemed to be processing the whole thing, unsure herself what to feel.

Finally she leaned her head down onto my shoulder and nuzzled against me, placing her hand on my forearm. I froze, waiting for her to say something.

"You may have been a monster then, Shizuru," she began. My heart pounded. "But you're not guilty of anything."

I nodded, not sure what to feel, not even sure if I'd heard her right.

"I don't know if I can completely forgive you for what you did to me in my sleep."

My heart sank.

"But, I don't think it's going to stop me from loving you." I looked down at her and she met my gaze, a streak of red decorating her cheeks. Her eyes were still shimmering with tears. Her breathing was heavy with emotion. "I can't really blame you, I was so dense not to see it before."

I couldn't think of a response. I stared dumbly at her. What was she trying to say? I moved my arm, urging her to sit up and look at me straight. "Natsuki," I started. "Had I confessed to you before, would you have felt any differently?"

Natsuki considered the question a moment before smiling bashfully. "That might depend on how you'd have gone about telling me." I blushed. "Maybe kissing me out of the blue wouldn't be the best way." She cocked her head thoughtfully, a slightly flirtatious smile playing on her lips. "Then again, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad," she looked back at me with a smirk. "As long as I was awake for it."

That damned guilt rushed back again and I looked down, fidgeting with my thumbs. A hand fell on mine and I met her gaze.

"Shizuru, I was afraid." Her eyes were so sincere, so open, so – loving. "The things you did – they were so unexpected, and I found out in such a sudden way, from the wrong people."

I nodded. "I see," I said finally.

"I reacted that way because I didn't know you felt that way for me to begin with." She was smiling. "Maybe if I'd have known, it wouldn't have been so bad." She gave me a wink, and I smiled apologetically.

"I've always been ashamed of my feelings for you, Natsuki," I admitted for the first time. I knew my feelings were inappropriate. I knew it would never be accepted, even if she did return my love.

"You shouldn't be." I looked at her, surprised. "I'll admit it's strange to think about, but to be honest, I've always found love of any kind strange. I've thought about what it would be like to be in love before, and I tried thinking about being in love with a man. It always played out so screwed up in my mind." She was blushing with a smile on her face. "And then, one time, in my last year of Junior High, I thought about what it would be like, to be in love with a girl. With," she paused with a breath. "With you."

My heart stopped. Metaphorically, of course, else I wouldn't be alive. Maybe I had died. Maybe this was all a dream. I knit my eyebrows together. "In junior high?"

She smiled, blushing profusely. "It's a little ridiculous. I ignored it, of course. I mean, the thought of loving you, it was impossible, right? You're a girl, such a thing couldn't be possible. So I ignored it. I remember Mai once said she thought I was – well, you know, not interested in men. I got so mad at her."

I couldn't believe my ears. Was Natsuki confessing to me? She looked up at me again, her green eyes wide and full of joy.

"I always thought my most precious person was my mother – and since she's dead, I just never thought about love. But, you've always been there, Shizuru. It's always been you. I don't know why you ever thought to be friends with someone as selfish as me, but I'm grateful." She nuzzled up to me again.

"Natsuki." This was getting to be too cruel. If she felt something for me, she needed to just come out and say it. Why was she telling me all of this when she knew how deeply I loved her? My heart was pounding.

She tightened her grip on my arm. "You know, for the longest time, I thought while I was asleep that night, that you had touched me. I just don't know how I'd feel if that were true." The smile was gone, replaced by a troubled expression. "I – I sometimes think about what it would be like to be with you that way," her voice was so quiet Shizuru had a hard time hearing her words. "But I think that if you had touched me that night, even if I wanted to – wanted to make love to you – I don't think I could ever trust you." Had she actually said that? She spoke so quietly. I didn't respond and she glanced up at me. Her face was beet-red. She had definitely said what I thought I'd heard.

"Natsuki." We sat in silence a moment. "I didn't touch you. I held you in my arms, but I didn't place my hands anywhere inappropriate. And I kissed you, but I held myself from taking you."

"Then," she whispered. Her fingers stroked my arm. "I forgive you." She looked up at me, face red but eyes determined. "It wasn't okay, but I forgive you."

I wanted to kiss her so badly. Our lips were so close; our noses were almost touching. Then she did the most surprising thing. She closed her eyes and close the gap between us. Her lips moved against mine, her tongue seeking entrance into my mouth. I let her in and moved my own tongue across hers. This kiss was so different than the one we'd shared before we died that night during the Carnival. This time, she wanted me to know she loved me the way I loved her. This wasn't pity. This wasn't a promise of friendship. This was love, in its purest form.

I woke up that morning with the stiffest neck on my couch, feeling the weight of Natsuki's body lying on top of me. I wrapped my arms around her and in my embrace, I woke her. I worried for a split second that she would see where she was and freak out, leaving me again. Instead, she gazed up into my eyes – those gorgeous green eyes, and kissed me.

_**I've been spitting one-shots out lately. I have another one between Mai and Tate going but it's not that fun to write. I know Shiz/Nat's as overdone as refried beans but it's just so addictive. I'll get some other characters out eventually. Promise...**_

_**R & R?**_


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